Today is the 11th day I spend in this quarantine facility. I couldn’t sleep properly last night because I keep having this weird, singular thought, which is not exactly hope, that tomorrow may really be the day. It is not hope because it doesn’t capture and direct my mind towards these images of what I think will happen, at least yet. Instead, the sleeplessness comes from a single thought: that tomorrow may be the day.
My subconscious is telling me something
Of course, I have tried my best to not submit to its claws, because I know the moment I let these images that so naturally follow such a thought into my mind, it would be too late. My mind would be already subjugated. However, I think my subconscious was clearly trying to tell me something. It’s saying so by projecting that single thought to the conscious mind. Sometimes, forcing yourself to look away from what you should consider is something so fatally wrong that your subconscious torments you all night.
Finally going home!
Of course, I can only say that because I received the news from a medical staff this morning, at approximately 9 AM, that I will be leaving here today. It was as if the torment played on me last night served as a premonition to this moment. Who knows, my subconscious could have taken into account all the evidence (subconsciously) and produced a single conclusion that today is really the day. It also could have taken into account my miserable experience yesterday and decided not to overdo it with the messaging. All of that could have led to that singular thought that kept me up yesterday. And of course, as I’m no psychologist, these are only interesting explanations that I tell myself. This could all just be confirmation bias.
But what is true is that my heart is filled with joy. It beats faster and more excitingly as the reality of finally coming home hits me. During my morning shower, I can’t help but feel happy and optimistic. I once again started to visualize the moments before, during, and after my departure here and my arrival home. Except that this time they are not based on false hope.
Anticipations vs plans
My anticipations have become plans, and these plans carry an implicit meaning – the fact that one can formulate such plans with high certainty implies that one is in control of his or her environment. Planning implies an attempt to control. To plan is to implicitly realize that one can affect and change the situation. Those who possess the opposite mindset naturally rely on the universe, claiming that some hidden forces will make everything alright despite their inactions.
Even though they both are usually oriented towards a vision or a goal, the difference between anticipating and planning is in the recognition that one can move the situation forward.
Those who are merely anticipating are stuck at a point in time and space, desperately trying to visualize a better point at which they could have occupied. But they also instinctively know that such visualizations are incongruent with reality as they know it, so their hope is taken away. When hope is taken away, in this case by the mere awareness about their powerlessness with regards to the situation, and the situation is so undesirable that merely being in it produces distress, then one experiences despair. I have written about this previously.
Those in planning are in a position that naturally moves forward, albeit in a seemingly random fashion, and with their plans they’re trying to control such movement so that the flow of life will lead them to where they want to be.
Unfortunately, since I’m home, my need for release out these thoughts is also decreased dramatically. As you may guess, this is the end of my Quarantine Diary – though I’m not exactly sure if it can be called a diary. If you have made it here, I’d like to express my thanks for your time and attention. Hopefully, you have learned something about me that you otherwise wouldn’t have, in which case the outcome of this series will be achieved.
Farewell, and until the next time, stay safe!